Even these sleeves, worn out by resentment and tears, are precious to me — and how much more so my good name, rotting away in the scandal of this love.
Sagami (c. 998 – after 1061) was a woman poet of the mid-Heian period. She is said to have been a daughter (or adopted daughter) of Minamoto no Yorimitsu, the warrior famous in legend, and took her name from Sagami province, where she went as the wife of its governor, Ōe no Kinsuke. She later parted from him; her love affairs with poets such as Fujiwara no Sadayori are well known. She served Princess Shūshi, daughter of Emperor Ichijō, and was one of the leading poets of her day, invited again and again to poetry contests; she is counted among the Thirty-six Poetic Immortals of the middle period and the Thirty-six Women Immortals. This poem is Goshūi Wakashū, Love IV, 815, composed on the set topic 'love' at the palace poetry contest of 1051, when Sagami was in her fifties. It is not a raw cry from her youth: on a formal stage, a mature poet gave one voice to everyone who has ever wept over love.
I am tired even of resenting. My sleeves never have a moment to dry. Even that is a loss — and then the poem moves on to what matters most. Because of this love, there will be gossip, and my very name will rot. That is the loss I cannot bear. From 'even my sleeves' to 'my name above all' — naming the smaller thing in order to say the greater — is the skeleton of this poem. She does not hide that she is crying. But what she is looking at, at the end, is not the one who left. It is her own name. At the very bottom of misery, pride is the one thing she has not let go.
What drew us most to this poem is that it is a song of heartbreak in which, at the end, she is not looking at the other person. She is looking at her own name. Weary of resenting, weary of crying, she can still say 'it is my name I cannot bear to lose'. We heard it as a song of pride before a song of sorrow. So the lyrics never mention the one who left; the word 'you' does not appear anywhere. The poem's step from 'even my sleeves' up to 'my name' is kept as it is in the chorus: my sleeves can get wet, but I will not let it reach me. The 'name' of the original means reputation; in the lyrics it is laid directly over the self. She does not hide her tears — but tears are allowed to reach only the sleeves. The only thing that rots will be the sleeves. Every time someone says 'poor thing', her name gets a little smaller, and what was taken she takes back with no one's help. A face that has cried may be seen; a face turned down will not be shown. The bridge is one small scene: she turns off the tap and looks in the mirror, decides that the face after crying is hers too, folds back the wet sleeves, straightens her back and walks out from here again today. Near the end, when every instrument stops, the old poem is sung alone once more, followed by two quiet lines: what got wet was only my sleeves — it never reached me. The song never says who did the wetting. It only says that it did not reach her. It ends with 'I am the one who keeps my name', and 'the sleeves will dry, in time'. The pride a poet declared on a formal stage a thousand years ago, we set down in the morning after the tears.
恨みわび（後拾遺集/相模・百人一首65番）Garu JP
恨みわび ほさぬ袖だに あるものを
恋に朽ちなむ 名こそ惜しけれ
袖なら 濡れても いい
わたしまでは 濡らさない
名こそ 惜しけれ
朽ちるのは
袖だけで いい
恨むのにも もう 疲れた
理由を 数えるのも やめた
袖口だけは 相変わらず
乾く ひまが ない
泣くだけなら まだ いいの
それは わたしの 勝手だから
恨みわび ほさぬ袖だに あるものを
恋に朽ちなむ 名こそ惜しけれ
袖なら 濡れても いい
わたしまでは 濡らさない
名こそ 惜しけれ
朽ちるのは
袖だけで いい
「かわいそうに」と 言われるたび
名前が すこし 減っていく
減った ぶんを 取り戻す
誰の 手も 借りない
泣いた 顔なら 見せても いい
下を向いた 顔は 見せない
恨みわび ほさぬ袖だに あるものを
恋に朽ちなむ 名こそ惜しけれ
袖なら 濡れても いい
わたしまでは 濡らさない
名こそ 惜しけれ
朽ちるのは
袖だけで いい
水を 止めて 鏡を 見る
泣いたあとの わたしが いる
それも わたしだと 決めて
濡れた 袖を 折り返して
背筋を 伸ばしてみる
今日も ここから 出ていく
朝の 光が まぶたに 届く
それで もう じゅうぶん
恨みわび ほさぬ袖だに あるものを
恋に朽ちなむ 名こそ惜しけれ
濡れたのは 袖だけで
わたしには 届かなかった
恨みわび ほさぬ袖だに あるものを
恋に朽ちなむ 名こそ惜しけれ
袖なら 濡れても いい
わたしまでは 濡らさない
名こそ 惜しけれ
わたしは
わたしが 守る
名こそ 惜しけれ……
袖は そのうち 乾くから
Urami wabi (Goshui-shu / Sagami, Hyakunin Isshu No. 65) Garu JP
Weary of resenting — my sleeves that never dry are only the start;
it is my name, rotting away from this love, that I truly cannot bear
My sleeves can get wet, that's fine
But I will not let it reach me
It is my name I cannot bear to lose
The only thing that rots
will be the sleeves
I'm tired now, even of resenting
I stopped counting the reasons, too
Only my cuffs, as always,
never get a moment to dry
If it were only crying, that would be fine
That much is my own business
Weary of resenting — my sleeves that never dry are only the start;
it is my name, rotting away from this love, that I truly cannot bear
My sleeves can get wet, that's fine
But I will not let it reach me
It is my name I cannot bear to lose
The only thing that rots
will be the sleeves
Every time they say 'poor thing',
my name gets a little smaller
What was taken, I take back
with no one's help but mine
A face that has cried — I'll let them see that
A face turned down — that, I will not show
Weary of resenting — my sleeves that never dry are only the start;
it is my name, rotting away from this love, that I truly cannot bear
My sleeves can get wet, that's fine
But I will not let it reach me
It is my name I cannot bear to lose
The only thing that rots
will be the sleeves
I turn off the tap and look in the mirror
There is the me from after the crying
I decide that this is me, too
and fold back the wet sleeves
I try straightening my back
Today, again, I walk out from here
The morning light reaches my eyelids
and that is already enough
Weary of resenting — my sleeves that never dry are only the start;
it is my name, rotting away from this love, that I truly cannot bear
What got wet was only my sleeves
It never reached me
Weary of resenting — my sleeves that never dry are only the start;
it is my name, rotting away from this love, that I truly cannot bear
My sleeves can get wet, that's fine
But I will not let it reach me
It is my name I cannot bear to lose
And I
am the one who keeps it
It is my name I cannot bear to lose...
The sleeves will dry, in time